open up, open up.

Pity and Mercy. We're endowed with these qualities as humans, we have an astounding capacity to forgive and mend and heal. I've been forgiven a lot in my time, and I appreciate it more than I can put into words. I do not want to disparage the grace of pity or mercy. They are the ideal traits. They are inspiration, they are love, they are golden.

And they're killing me.

2 years ago, I wanted to die. I wanted to stop hurting and breathing and eating toast and yawning. I wanted everything to stop, because every day just hurt me even more. But I didn't. I was saved and I was spared and I was in the world. And I've loved it ever since. I enjoy things, movies, books, music. I like spending time with friends. I like stuff. But I love everything that's here. I love the poor fools who take forever at the checkout. I love the rain. I love the art that's here. I love my family, despite everything. I love love love. It took me a long time to get to this place, to love the world I hated more than anything.

There was a lecture last week, and we were being taught about the defence of insanity. There was a case of a woman who hung all of her children and then chatted to her neighbour over the garden fence. There was the case of a man who carved an X in his wife's chest because he thought she was infested with evil spirits and wanted to loose them. The ugliest deeds of humanity were being spelled out for us. There was gasps and noises of disgust, and little ohmygods. I think we were all shook afterwards. But I wasn't shook by the horror of it.

I felt bad for them all. The woman who hung each of her young children, the man who disfigured his wife. I pitied these criminals. I wanted them to have been understood, and loved, and cared for. I wanted mercy to be shown to them, them to heal, them to mend. I wanted them to be found, and come back to the world. I feel sorry for a person who has murdered their family, or raped a child, or beaten their wife, maybe more than for the victims.

There is a fear growing in my chest, that I'm different. That I'm not a part of this world I've grown to love so much. I'm scared I don't belong here. I am terrified that by loving the world, and having mercy and pity for the people lost in the dark of it, that I'm becoming independent of it.

I don't know where my humanity is going.

"The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven

Upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed -

It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes." - William Shakespeare.

“Mercy but murders, pardoning those that kill.” - William Shakespeare.

i thought i knew, i hadn't begun.

A daughter lost her father in front of me today.
I watched as her sorrow tore her apart.
I didn't understand how to feel. I ran away.
All that feeling was just too much.
I didn't console her. What kind of person would not attempt to do that?
A person would.
I think this scares me.

"So one by one, they turn from me. I guess my friends can't face the cold.
But why I froze, not one among them knows, and never can be told."

denial, it's not just a - awh forget it.

Remember the time we sat in the cinema together? And your hand was so unbelievably close to mine, my heart was bursting?

Or all those times we got in your car, and drove around listening to that song you loved and i did too (but only because you did)?

Or the time we showed up wearing the exact same outfit?

The time you had a message from me on your phone, that told you everything. It was the scariest moment of my life.

Remember how you said "i'd be lying if i said i just thought of you as a friend"? And how for one second, i was here again?

Remember how you followed that with a "but it would be too complicated."

Apparently fucking someone else in the woods while we were camping does not qualify as complicated. At least you made sure i'd know you were safe, leaving your condom wrappers everywhere within a 2 mile radius.

There was a time you were what i though of every night before i went to bed. I'd lie there in the dark, and just pray that one day things would be different, and that you'd see me. You see, you were what woke me up, and knocked me out.

So I'm going to deny it. Everything and anything you ever were to me? Gone. Every little glass shard of a memory I have you is gone, never happened. I deny our memories, our feelings, our time, our hope. Everything we could have been or ought to have been is ended.

It ended the moment you left me broken and bleeding, alone in the dark.

I deny the past, I deny the dream.

I deny you.
I defy you.