you only get what you give,

I've changed my mind. I want it.

I gave up so long ago on everything. I just ran and ran through it all.

I'm done running.

I'm facing it. I've done a lot of stupid things.

I had sex with strangers in cars.

I've had unprotected sex.

I cut my arms open.

I burnt myself.

I took tablets.

I pushed away my family, I pushed away my friends.

Don't know if I can change, don't know if I'm strong enough.

Come wednesday, I'll have my test results. Everything could change.

Don't know if I can fix myself, but I do know I want to.

I want to go to Paris.

I want a boyfriend.

I want to work.

I want to talk to my parents.

I want to laugh, and I want it to reach inside me.

I want a life beyond the hot sticky mess I've been smothered in.

I want to grow up, I want to grow out, I want to grow.

I don't want there to be anything wrong with me.

I want the world.

I want to feel it and see it and smell it and taste it and touch it and kiss it.

I'm not ok, I'm not alright, I'm not whole and healed.

But I don't want to be.

I'm facing it, I'm facing the right way.

So this night I have hope.

This night I have a life.

there was no pain, no fear nor doubt, til you pulled me out.

I discovered a happy ending this weekend.

Like the ones when you were little, a happily ever after.

An ending that wasn't an ending, but a beginning of something else.

And i sat there when i discovered this, and it hit me so fast and so hard.

I'm wearing a ring on my left hand to remind me.

i should be studying.

i should be reading cases, and writing notes.

i should be happy, i should be smiling, i should be everything.

But I'm not.

I'm getting blood tests done again tomorrrow.

I think I want there to be something wrong. Something has to be wrong, it has to be.

Because I deserve it.

For everything i've done, for everything i'm doing, for everything i'm going to do.

For every fucking thing.

But above everything? I want there to be something wrong so maybe you'll remember.

Remember all those nights we drank Diet Coke and watched crappy movies.

Remember those nights we got shitfaced drunk and danced in your kitchen.

Remember that I'm still here, and I still need rescuing.

I hate myself for that.

You have your happy ending, and you should.

You deserve it more than anyone.

I want something to be wrong with me.

Because I'm hurt you left me all alone in the dark.

And i need to pay.

and no-one will tell me why!

It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid.