#2

Today, i had a bad day. Funny, because the weather was lovely.

friend of the family came for lunch, caroline. i like her, she laughs, and phrases things in interesting ways. my mother being a master of conversation, puts forward the question "so is soandso gay?". soandso works with my mother, and is caroline's close friend. immediately i knew this was not a conversation to have over rolls and salads. this question didn't belong to the afternoon, it was a secret, quiet question. It was the kind of question that should not have been let out on it's own. caroline brushed it off, saying it had never come up. i was so angry.

my mother hates me for being gay, hates me. we don't discuss it, and i'm fine with that, i've never thrown it in her face or flaunted it. The worst i've done is come home with a hickey. She is not comfortable with it, she resents it, and that is her. and yet, caroline's friend has/had a mother. who maybe reacted the same way. and still. my mother deems it fit to discuss a man's sexuality over coffee, and yet told me i ruined her life by me telling a close male friend i liked him. of course i was doing it to hurt her, to damage her reputation, to make the family a laughing stock. of course of course of course. her betrayal of another mother was hideous. at least her curiosity wasn't satisfied. and i admire caroline.

mothers aren't special. they had sex, a sperm wriggled into an egg, and someone began being. mothers are not perfect, they are people. they don't understand things, they don't know things, they have views and opinions, and have a preference for cooking their eggs. mothers can be hypocrites, mothers can be cruel, their knowledge is infinite, they can have bad days. they can get pregnant by accident, they can plan for it, they can use contraceptives and still get pregnant. pregnancy does not make you wise, or judicious, or right. one day they are a woman, the next they are a mother.

anyone can be a mother, and that is exactly the problem.

all this said, watching my mother try to understand the concept of gay bingo was priceless.

i am anyone you want me to be.

yeah, i started with a lady gaga lyric. Could be worse. i could've informed you how i wanna be famous, i wanna be a star, i wanna in movies.

I'm ronan. I'm nineteen, i am unsure about the correctness of the first e in my age.
Sometimes, i wish i wasn't here, sometimes, i don't wanna be anywhere else.

sometimes, i think i'll love you forever.
sometimes, i remember time is relative.